Still Not Funny
by You're On Acid
Summary: Sort of a sequel to "Child Abduction is Not Funny." Read it if you want. I was just bored one night, and decided to write this. Reviews are nice!
1. Again

"…with the recent rise of child abduction…" Bzzzzt.

_Summertime, and the livin's easy, Bradley's on the microphone with Ras M.G., all the people in dance will agree-_

"Hey dude!"

"Kyle, I think we've got a problem."

"Huh?"

"Are you watching TV?"

"Yeah dude, stupid fucking reruns."

"Channel 4. Now!"

-silence-

"Kyle?"

"Holy shit, dude!! Remember last time this hap-"

"Mmhm."

"Get some sleep, we need to figure this out in the morning."

"Kay. Night dude."

_Kill the lights. These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast w-_

"Kyle, it's 4 in the fucking morning, what do you want?"

"Stan, get the hell out of bed, it's happening again!"

"What's happe-. Oh, shit, gotta go," I whispered as I shut my phone, "Yeah, Mom?"

"Stan, remember when we had that whole fiasco about child abduction?"

"Yeah, Mom, you and dad overreacted and sent us all out of town."

"Yes," she sighed, "well recent reports show that we actually should ask you to le-"

"Dude! You did the exact same thing last time!"

"This time, we feel that we have to do this. It's for your own safety."

"This is stupid, Mom."

"Stan! You pack up and leave right now before one of us abducts you!" My dad yelled from downstairs.

I sighed as a started to throw my stuff into my bag. My parents are great, but they take stuff to far. I tracked over a couple of the times my dad overreacted as I threw three pairs of jeans, a couple band shirts, some boxers, and a couple socks into the bottom of my bag. Maybe if they listened to themselves every once in a while they could hear how stupid that they sound sometimes. I grabbed my Sager and stuffed it behind my clothes, then grabbed the tangle of wires that consisted of iPod wires, a computer charger, a phone charger, some shoelaces, and a couple guitar strings, and shoved them all into my bag, and dropped it by the door. I pulled on my jeans, and the same morning routine I had been doing for the whole year ran by second nature. Cell phone, right pocket; iPod and headphones, left pocket; butterfly knife, that little seemingly useless pocket on the right side of all jeans; Zippo, right pocket; wallet, back right pocket; switchblade, right pocket. Then I threw on my 3OH!3 shirt. I can't understand why I like them so much. Then, I tossed my shoes, my hat, and my coat onto my body. This whole routine may seem complicated, but I had been doing it so long, I barely noticed it.

I awoke from my morning routine trance, and wandered out of my bedroom grabbing my backpack on the way. Just as I grabbed my toothbrush, I heard a familiar voice at the door.

"Mm mm-hm hmm hmmbhm bhmm mh-hmm." [My mom and dad kicked me out again.]

"I know, Kenny, it's the child abduction thing again." I yelled towards the hallway.

"Mbhm? DHMMTMMMHM!" [Again? GOD DAMMIT!]

"Be out in a second."

"Mmkhm." [Okay.]

Kenny was waiting outside the door while my parents were sobbing in the kitchen.

"Hey Kenny."

"Mmmh." [Hey]

"Stan!" My name was turned into a mad battle cry as my friend Kyle ran towards me.

After a brief conversation on our current predicament, we headed for the Cartman household to find that he was staying as a fugitive in his bedroom because of his fear of lack of food. With a couple insults revolving around "fat-ass," "Jew," and "faggot," and a couple stray comments out of left field, we were off.

We were about to pass the school when I remembered something I was missing. I ran inside the school, to the janitorial closet, and grabbed my Walden acoustic. I couldn't believe that I had almost left without it. I could barely make it a day without it. I would've never survived. I locked the strap onto it, and threw it on to my back.


	2. Platform

We had made it to the outskirts of town when a familiar voice came from behind me.

"Stan! Stan!"

"Hey, Wendy."

"Stan, my mom said I had to leave."

"Yeah. Kids are being thrown to the streets again."

"But why Stan?"

"The child abduction thing again." I said as I bought a train ticket from the red-haired guy behind the counter. "All the parents are overreacting again."

"Yeah," Kyle chimed in, "and now we have to keep out of town until they come to their senses."

"Well," Wendy said, "why don't we teach them a lesson this time?"

Kyle and I looked at her in confusion. "Well," she continued, "maybe if we show them how stupid they are, they won't do anything this stupid again."

"Dude, my dad won't ever stop doing dumb stuff." I said.

"Yeah, well it's worth a shot." Kyle added.

Kyle nudged me out of the way, and got himself a ticket.

"Whatever, I'm not a part of this." I said.

After Wendy had gotten her ticket, Kenny moved towards the ticket booth.

"Mmh mmph-mmh, hmm." [One ticket, please.]

"What did you say, boy?"

"Mmh mmph-mmh, hmm!" [One ticket, please!]

"Little boy, I can't understand you."

"Hmm, hmm hmphmm h mmph-mmh!" [Dude, just gimme a ticket!]

"Could you speak clearer, boy, I can't h-"

"For Christ's sake, just give him a God damn ticket!" I yelled.

"Oh," the man at the counter, "here you go."

" Dhmmtmmmhm." [God dammit.]

Apparently, we were headed east. We hadn't planned this, but the next train out was bound for Philly. As far is I can remember, I had never been to Philly. We sat on the platform waiting for our train, and Kyle started humming a song. I picked it up within seconds.

"Lying hmm-mm plastic bed hmmmmm how things hmmmmmmm to me." he sang, randomly editing words into hums.

I pulled my guitar over my shoulder and strummed a D minor bar chord. I quickly re-tuned the g and b strings, and searched around my pockets for a pick. After digging one out of somewhere, I slowly played that D minor over again, followed by an A minor, and back to a D minor. I glanced over at Kyle, and he smiled back. The third time that I hit the D minor, our voices crackled alive.

"Lying in my plastic bed thinking how things weren't so cool to me my baby likes to shoot pool I like lying naked in my bedroom tying off the dinosaur tonight used to be so cool now I got the needle I can shake but I can't breathe you take it away but I want more and more one day I'm gonna lose the war." We finished the first part of the song on a G sharp, the way Bradley played on the acoustic CD, and switched keys from D minor to G sharp minor. It fit together perfectly as we sped up a little bit into the second part of the song. "Lying in my plastic bed thinking how things weren't so cool to me my baby likes to shoot pool I like lying naked in my bedroom tying off the dinosaur tonight used to be so cool now I got the needle I can shake but I can't breathe you take it away but I want more and more one day I'm gonna lose the war." "Dhmm, dmmh. Tmm m mmkmmh mh hmmh." [Damn, dude. That's a fucked up song.] "Huh? Whaddya mean?" Kyle asked. Wendy chimed in with, "Well, it's about a drug addict. Let me ask you something. Who wrote this song?" "Sublime!" Kyle and I both spewed as if it was a life or death situation. "Are they still around?" "No he died in '96 of a...umm, it was a-" Kyle searched his brain for answers. "Heroin overdose." I said. "Exactly. This is a prediction. He knew that it would happen." She explained. "Hmmm, dmmh! Whmm-hmm mmhm hmm!" [Woah, dude! Wendy's pretty smart!] "You, just noticed? It's obvious that she's a genius!" I said, and Wendy began to blush bright red. The train pulled into the station and I threw my guitar back over my shoulder and we headed for the doors. 


	3. Over the Edge

We were told that the trip would take a couple days after we had bought our tickets. More specifically, when we got onto the train, they told us that "Welcome aboard! This train, bound for Philadelphia, will arrive at its destination at 7am, on Thursday morning." I slid open my phone, which notified me that today was Monday, and it was 9am. Apparently we were gonna stop in Chicago for a little while. We really didn't care about how long it took, we just wanted to get away from our overreacting parents.

Since there was nothing else to do, I pulled out my laptop, and started playing some video games. Just jumping around between games, I made my way from Assassin's Creed to Left4Dead, and then tried some Spore. After playing through a couple levels of each, I got bored of them, and shut off my computer. I walked through the hallway of the cabins, stuffing the parts and wires of my computer into my bag as I went. As I waked through the smoker cabin, some guy who looked about 20 years old followed me out onto the bridge linking to the cabin beyond. He stopped me on the bridge, and invited me for a smoke. When I refused, he pulled out a crude joint, and asked me if I was sure I didn't need a hit. I started to run when he grabbed me by the shoulder. Then it hit me. All these thing my parents said about child abduction, weren't lies, they just overreacted. I know we should have gone back home to safety, but our parents wouldn't accept us just yet. He tugged on my shoulder and jerked me back into reality. Just then my reflexes kicked in. I pulled my switchblade out of my right pocket, where it securely slept until called into action, opening it at the same time, and skewered his all of his knuckles on his right hand in one stab. When he drew back, I saw my chance and pushed him sideways over the edge of the bridge. He tumbled onto the dirt next to the tracks barely missing the mass of steel careening down its dead-set route. I wiped the few little beads of sweat off of my forehead. I was a little freaked out about what I just did, but I was glad I was rid of him, without carrying the weight of killing a man on my back. I looked down at my feet, and there was his joint. He must've dropped it when I stabbed his hand. It flashed before me then. I stabbed his right hand, which was on my shoulder, and he dropped the joint in his left hand to grab onto his blood drenched knuckles. I needed to rid myself of a little stress, so I thought I might as well. I put my switchblade back into its resting quarters, and pulled out my lighter. Flicking it open as I picked up the joint, I lit it up, and took a good long drag. I had smoked before, but it had been like a drag or two, so naturally, I had built up no resistance. That in part with the fact that my family has no tolerance to foreign substances added to the fact than I needed just a little bit to get high. Some people thought that that would suck, but I liked it. I didn't need to spend a lot of money to get a hit. That one joint got me a couple pretty deep hits and sent me with a staggering strut back into the car with my friends. When asked about my lack of balance, I blamed it on the situation, and they all bought it. I hated to lie, but it would have been worse if I hadn't done any, right?

That night, we found out that the tickets we had bought only allowed us to the sitting cabins, and the sleeper tickets were much more expensive. We were so used to sleeping in our nice beds, that we were hell bent on finding a nice bed to sleep in. We quietly sneaked into the sleeper car, and peeked behind the hanging sheets until we found an open bed. The first one we found, we gave to Wendy, who politely took the offer, and climbed into the bed with her backpack. After a while of sneaking and searching, we had found one more bed. Kyle and Kenny argued over whose it was for the night. I left them to decide, knowing that there was no chance to claim it as my own. I walked towards my girlfriend's little bunk and crawled inside.

"Wendy, I kinda have to sleep here because I-"

"Dude, it's fine. Just get some rest."

"Thanks."

Damn, she's awesome. I plugged in my phone charger and attached my phone to the end of it. As I was turning it onto silent, she rolled over, grabbed the collar of my shirt and kissed me on the lips.

"Goodnight, Stan."

"Goodnight, cutie." I replied and she giggled.

I dozed off with my arm around her side think about how lucky I am. Right before I went to sleep, I realized I forgot an important part of living through the night. I pulled my switchblade out of my pocket, and put it in my backpack, which hung from the hook above my head.


	4. New Girl

_Kill the lights. These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks-_

I slammed on the center button of my cell phone and shut off the alarm. The screen showed black text saying: 10:30am. I looked around. Wendy was gone, so I pulled the curtain up to see that Kyle and Kenny were sitting on their bed, talking to Wendy, who was standing next to someone I had never seen before. I grabbed my backpack and walked over to them.

"...and this is Stan." Kyle said. The girl turned to me and waved.

"Hi, I'm Scotty."

"Hey Scotty. What's up?" I responded, in my usual tone.

"Not much. You wouldn't happen to know where the hell we are, would you?"

"Sorry, dude, I got no fucking clue. I woke up, and my girlfriend wandered over to meet you, I think." I glanced at Wendy, and she nodded back. "I'm pretty confused, too." I responded.

"Do any of you know where we are, for that matter?" she questioned to all of us. In reply, all she got were blank stares.

"Ohhhhhkayyyy." Scotty sighed. "So none of you know where you're going?"

"Uhh..." Kyle said, with shaky glances around the train car.

"Philly?" I said quietly, "or something..."

"Not Mongolia?" Kyle suggested.

"Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhahaaa. Wait, I don't get it." Scotty said, with fading drift.

We watched her as her head tilted to the side, and her eyes glazed over. In her eyes, I saw the world. Although that sketchy bastard from last night corrupted most of this vision, it was amazing. I know I'm in love with Wendy, and that hasn't, and won't ever, change. It's just this girl's eyes had something to them. I don't really even know her, but I felt like I knew who I was when I looked into her eyes.

"So, what about Mongolia?" She said with regained poise.

I snapped back into reality. Was I still stoned? Fuck, man. I don't think so, but it kinda felt like it there.

"Uhh," I groaned sleepily, "it's kinda a long, stupid story. So, it's not really worth talking about."

"Ohhh. Okay, then." she sighed.

"Dthm, mmhm fhmm-mm hmmm..." Kenny said as he pulled on some strings around his hood. "...in here."

He glanced around as we stared at his messy blonde hair; a sight rarely seen in public.

"What?" he demanded. "Why you all looking at me like that?"

"Dude, you never take your hood off in public." Kyle said, with a confused tone.

"Normally, it's not this hot." he responded calmly.

"Awwwwwww, you're a cutie!" Scotty said, with her fading tone.

"Oh, and _that_ happens." Kenny added.

"What?" Scotty mumbled through a pouted face.

We all glanced in different directions mumbling in unison.

"Oh, whatever." Scotty said. "Well, I'm gonna go find an eating car."

I don't quite remember who said what, but it came out as "Cool," "Okay," "Sure," and "Alright," yet all at the same time.

As she walked away, Kenny's head started to tilt and lower, until he fell off of his bed and proceeded to laugh at his own misfortune. Wendy and Kyle started laughing along.

"Dude, that's... I dunno. That's just... dude." I said while chuckling along with my friends.

While laughing, we had forgotten that we were on a moving train. It took a corner, and tossed all of us on top of Kenny, furthering the hilarity of the situation. I still chuckle to myself when I think about it. Sadly, I tripped over Kenny, and knocked myself out. When I came to, I was back in my bed and I had a black left eye. I had no clue where everybody went, so I listened to my insides. After being informed by my insides that it was time for lunch, I wandered 2 cars down to the diner car.

"Hey Stan!" Wendy and Scotty said together, then looked at each other and giggled.

"Hey dude." Kyle said.

"What's goin' on?" Kenny said, without looking away from his bowl of chili.

"Hey guys." I responded. How come I wake up confused, with all of my friends somewhere else these days? Also, why is this new girl always there? Wendy snapped me back into reality by patting the place on the red pleather bench seat to her left, and looking at me with her big eyes. I slid in next to her and kissed her on the cheek. Scotty's big eyes doubled in size.

"You two are... ohhhh? Awwwwww."

"Yeah." I said quietly, yet proudly.

I started daydreaming about Wendy, and didn't notice anything up until the train lurched to a stop.

_ZZZZZZP-CHK. We've come across, uh, a change of plans. So, uhh, yeah. We're in Omaha, and this train is going to, hold on... Houston. Then, eventually Philadelphia. If you want to go to Philadelphia quicker, you should get off here, and we'll give you a transfer ticket. That train leaves at 1:00 am tomorrow. The current time is 12:14 pm. CHZZZK._

Wendy pulled my arm and dragged me, along with my backpack and guitar, off the train onto the platform. Kyle and Kenny were already there, and Scotty was dragging a suitcase down the mini flight of stairs out of the train. I ran back over to grab my transfer ticket, and called back to the guys.

"So, now what?"


End file.
